4.7.03
today there were quite a few surprises. and pretty pleasant i'd say. had fun with our so-called psychic and prediction powers. missing the caramel-with-chocolate-embedded-cadbury-choco that mdm ho gave us today. simply marvelous. heh. and was wondering how come books just ended up on my table and i was expected to do sth with them even though i had no connection whatsoever with them. there's a pinch of guilt for feeling so selfish but i guess it's only part of the frustration that has built up in me for the past few weeks and it is just looking for a way to sneak out and release itself. nvm nvm. it's just one of those things. boy am i glad monday's a holiday...feel like just spending the whole dae in slumberland. thought quite a bit abt the dance we were taught today during pe. was feeling really relaxed today and i enjoyed that feeling. i just adore those dances. haha. the privileges of being a secondary four student.
after tomorrow, we shall be liberated from the tangles of the chinese Os, at long last! it's been hindering my efforts in trying to beef up my other subjects, especially the most dreaded physics. i've been putting many things off with the excuse of the chinese Os and now i can finally get down to completing them, if my will prevails over the dominating procrastination habit in me. i just hope that my orals [since they were pretty screwed up] wouldnt affect the entire grade too adversely and i'd still be able to achieve the much-desired-A. after all that hard work and effort, nothing better crop up and ruin my chances.
hmmz, i just love sch today. somehow the atmosphere is so light-hearted and everything went really smoothly and i suppose, for the first time in many weeks, i feel genuinely happy. and i think the rain did play a part too, everything was cool and relaxed, not like the usual heated up weather which would only serve to anger a man further. havent touched the piano for a long time because im simply not in the mood. there's always this period which pops up once in a while and music's just not meant for life. everything becomes pretty mundane and life just drags on. for the past few weeks, whenever i smiled, could just feel this tormented squeeze inside my heart and i knew that whatever i did was merely a facade. just felt so damn artificial, almost like a manequin maybe. sorry to my darlings if i kinda got frustrated easily and well, just appeared nonchalent and fake. but i suppose most of it has blown over now and things are normalising again. it sure feels awful when one has to undergo such a hasty change in himself without even the slightest clue as to why it's happening.
would like to acknowledge mum for her efforts in maintaining the household and playing the roles of both mum and dad. it's been physically and mentally challenging for her i guess, especially when it comes to the weekends and she has to handle so many things that usually fall under dad's charge. well, it's the 4th of july today and let's see, there's another month or so for her to go. and it's just abt two weeks that have passed. really appreciate her for adapting and changing and wadever. it's funky and heartwarming but sometimes it scares me cos it's sort of an overnight metamorphosis. just hope things stay this way even after dad returns. hah.
talked to you today, it's been so long. for a moment it felt like the closeness is back again and we're friends who share secrets and all that. i think all this is part of a desperate attempt in me, trying to grasp any form of humanity and warmth in ppl. when you asked me that qn, i didnt noe what to tell you and how to put it. but well, think u got the idea of what i meant. at times i wonder if u ever missed those times we spent as a clique, even though a lot has changed...if only time stopped at where we were in the past. where things were much simpler and we were so 'innocently happy'..haha. to me, even though it happened a mere two or three years ago, these memories are, already, deemed as childhood memories. how ppl age...
den* stepped on your garbage at
3.7.03
i thought i'd get away unscathed but no, the wounds wont go away that easily. i feel like ive been dug hollow and what remains now is an empty shell. lost direction and the meaning of life. if i had been vindictive, things would have been realli different but ive chosen to look things in an optimistic way and deep inside, i still hate myself for doing so. but well, i'll just take things in my stride. tried covering up using all sorts of methods. of cos there are loopholes and nothing's perfect. just trying to climb out of the pit of dejection. it's dejection and disappointment and denial. triple-D. meanwhile, just leave me to rot.
den* stepped on your garbage at
30.6.03
today's blog entry's going to be special. shant spend extra time with diction and making things lengthy. am not going to spend more than half an hour on this blog entry. everything's screwed up today. kinda got out the wrong side of bed, but there's only one side, so wth. didnt feel good already leaving for sch. it's like a new student in a new sch and just wished i hadnt gotten my ass out of the house. havent adapted to sch life yet. i feel so ashamed..four yrs in sch and still have this weird feeling abt going back to sch. hmmz...aniwae, so little things happened today but it felt like such a long dreary day...oh well, guess onli yash noes the full story since what totally pissed me off was what happened after sch. that was the blardee last straw i could handle. just fuckin pissed. it's just a frustration building in me. while walking home, had such a great urge to walk in the middle of the road and when a car comes round the corner...wham~ how wonderful. the end. i really toyed with the thought for a while. just tired of everything. kinda tired of living even. im even too tired to cry it out. too tired to get the fucking tears out of those tearglands. somehow it seems like my heart has stopped and there's no more emotion. kinda dead inside. whatever happens doesnt really bother me anymore. wasnt concentrating the whole dae and ended up muttering nonsense. fed up. dont feel like turning up in sch tmr. but it's just not me. this is just the starting of being an escapist i guess. perspectives are switching hundred and eighty degrees. so so drained i think the hols have onli made things worse. i just hope this is just the result of the first day of sch. and things will probably improve. or maybe it's mood swings again. wth. it feels as if all my blood's being drained out of me. literally. wonder why...it seems like there's sth wrong with the functions of my body. loss of appetite, stomachaches, headaches, runny nose....you name it. the only thing which has yet to make its appearance is fever. but i hope i can keep that at bay. it's the worst that can happen. maybe i have some illness which has yet to surface. or perhaps it's a psychological problem. need a shrink maybe. hurhur. seems like im driving myself to the cliff of insanity. sorry to those who have felt sandwiched one way or another and thks esp to dearie for helping me at the mrt statn. kinda forgot to say that just now. im sucha bitch sometimes. or is it always?
den* stepped on your garbage at
29.6.03
went to drop sth at dw's house ystday. or rather, my sis dropped sth for his sis. was shocked to hear that he was back. heart just raced like some blardee shit. no rekindled feelings though, hehe, just the thought of the probability of seeing him again scared me. in the end, no one was home but the maids. haix
saw ds today. something abt her set me thinking. saw her for the first time with her mum and brother. all of a sudden she looks like a really young girl. and it struck me that she was probably my age. and i had thought she'd be a couple of years older. but seeing her with her family kinda changed the look of it all. i dont know how. the fact that she's working makes me see her as someone really filial, probably earning extra cash for the household. there's a feeling of admiration for her i guess. there's something peculiar abt her....
den* stepped on your garbage at